Top Ten

7 May

I love the little things. All those quirky moments in life when the record skips, even for just a second, reminding us that we’re more than our routines; more than laundry, cleaning toilets, alarm clocks and commutes, more than single serving friends or even matching duvet covers.  And when you get right down to it, we can be pretty ridiculous. I think it’s awesome.

These are the ten best WTF moments I saw last month:

#10 52 Pick Up

I was getting something to eat the other day when all of a sudden the dogs started barking. Who knows at what, probably a squirrel. In the end, it didn’t matter.  It startled me so badly that I knocked over a brand new, completely full box of cereal.

I lunged for it, but it was no use. It tipped perfectly, bounced off the edge of the counter and sprayed little Bran Buds all over my kitchen. And I mean all over my kitchen. I’ve been picking those little pellets up for days; out of the stove, out of the vent under the fridge, out of the damn dogs. I guess it could’ve been worse. At least it wasn’t sugar.

#9 Son of a….

Realizing that my cereal of choice is Bran Buds. I have no excuse.

#8 Give up

Head to the spice aisle of the grocery store. There you’ll find McCormick’s latest thing: pre-measured spices in cute little plastic packs. Over-packaging – McCormick Pre-measured spices and recipe card on Flickr – Photo Sharing! This is absurd.  Are we so lazy that we can’t even measure spices? We’re a nation of people who grew up having to get off our asses to change the channel, remember?  This is a bad sign.

If you find yourself attracted to these small, individually wrapped sirens of sloth, just bag it and go out to eat. Seriously, just walk away. Remove your hand from the expensive, glossy packaging and find a nice restaurant instead. Save yourself the humiliation.

#7 24

The following takes place between 10 pm and 11 pm.  I hate this show. The only reason I watch it is because the rest of my family likes it. But over the years I’ve gotten to know the characters.  Even though this wildly successful series is riddled with ridiculous plot twists and huge leaps of faith (the least of which being that a day like this wouldn’t turn you into a slobbering puddle of jello), they’ve never gone this far.  And for me, they’ve finally crossed the line.

A few weeks ago Jack asked Chloe for help, and not only did she not help him, but she set him up. Nope. Not buyin’ it.

Have all the terrorists in the world plot against Jack, against everyone named Jack for all I care, bring in moon men and giant cactus dogs from hell with poisonous spiked teeth and flame thrower eyes (that also have the power to see into the future) to try and subvert the latest peace process, or even steal the world’s supply of coffee beans in a twisted bid to rid the nation of alert thinkers, I don’t care.  But don’t make your characters do something this unbelievable.

There is no way Chloe would ever betray Jack.

Don’t worry, soon we’ll find out it was a secret plot between Jack and Chloe just to make everyone think she was luring him into a trap. Really she has been helping him all along. Yeah, right. I hate this show.

#6 Huh?  I can’t hear you over my snack bag.

Has anyone else seen the new Sun Chips bag? No? Well chances are you’ve probably heard it. What is this thing made of? They should stock ear plugs next to these tasty chips in the grocery store.  I know, the new bag is 100% compostable.  Awesome.  But, wow, is it LOUD.  If you even look at this bag sideways it cracks and crinkles like you’re under attack.

I’m not sure the environment is worth a snack bag that sounds like this.  Seriously.

#5 Something’s fishy:

Our daughter’s goldfish tank needed a complete cleaning this week.  (Actually, it needed a complete cleaning about a month ago, but she did it this week). The fish (named Boo, after her favorite car, the Bugati Veyron) had to be in something else for two days while the new water, I dunno, adjusted or something.  Don’t ask me.  It’s not my fish.

So I came downstairs and what is the stupid fish living in?  My favorite antique blue mixing bowl.  Really? Stop touching my stuff!

#4 Blago

This guy is AWESOME.  No matter where he is, whether it’s on the news or on Celebrity Apprentice, this guy makes me smile.  Not only is he accused of completely screwing with the constitution and facing like, forever in jail, but this month he came out and literally dared the prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald, to man up and be in court. Blago to Fitzgerald: “I Hope You’re Man Enough” – The Note

All that while rockin’ the worst hair since Marv Albert and Donald Trump. Guilty or not, you have to admit this guy has nuts the size of the moon.  I love it.

#3 People of Walmart

Last week I was in Walmart and heard a grown woman ask one of the employees what aisle the bisketti sauce was in. You know, for bisketti and meatballs. Off the chain awesome. Stuff like that just makes it all worthwhile.  To be honest, it made me a little homesick for the back woods of York County.

#2 Snack Time

I present the KFC Double Down Sandwich:  KFC Double Down – KFC.com

There are literally no words to describe the depths to which this “sandwich” takes us as a people.  Although I have to admit a grudging respect for KFC’s no-holds-barred, all-in attitude on this thing.  Imagine the scene:

“So let me get this straight.  You want to make a sandwich, using two chunky pieces of fried chicken for the bun?”

“Yeah, with cheese in the middle.”

“Huh. It might work. But it needs something else, ya’ know, other than cheese.”

“I’ve got it!  How about bacon?”

Now you’re on to something.”

I can’t even fathom the meeting where this thing was approved.

And topping the list, bringing it home at number 1 is:

#1 Papers!!

You have GOT to be kidding. This new law Arizona Enacts Stringent Law on Immigration – NYTimes.com is complete bullshit.  Enough said.

Cartoonist Mark Fiore nailed it.  Check out: Police State Pete | Mark Fiore’s Animated Cartoon Site

Get your head out of your ass, Arizona.  And until you do, I’m totally boycotting your tea.


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One Response to “Top Ten”

  1. Dad May 8, 2010 at 7:54 am #

    Awe Shucks,from the not so back woods, I need 10 more.

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