I’d Like to Talk to Moses

13 May

I am the luckiest mom on the planet. Not only do I have a great family, but they get it. And because they do, I got it. For Mother’s Day I got an iPad.

NICE.

This slim piece of techno genius is mesmerizing. It’s perfect size and dazzling display enchant. It’s absolutely the hippest thing I’ve had in my hands since the last time I was in Starbucks (probably two years ago) holding the simple cup of coffee I had struggled to order.

Seriously, just slide your finger across the smooth screen of Apple’s latest baby and you can’t help but feel cool. It’s epic.

I pulled it out of the slick packaging and after an hour or so of playing around, I decided to get down to business. It was time to do some writing, to see how this delightful, page-sized slice of wizardry could really help me produce.

So, imagining myself in some exotic location (San Sebastian), sipping cocktails by the beach and laughing as I casually sent my latest novel (the second in a best selling trilogy) to an eager editor (aren’t fantasies wonderful), I pulled a file from my Mac and tried to export it to the iPad. Just to be sure it would work, you know, for the next time I’m in Spain and my editor calls.

Careful readers will have already noticed the word “tried.”

At first I thought it was me; I usually repel technology.  It had to be me. The problem couldn’t be with my magical new iPad. Steve Jobs wouldn’t do that to me. But sadly, after a few tries it became clear that the file from my computer (also a Mac) wasn’t compatible.

SCREEECH.  What ‘chu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

I panicked. What’s the point if there isn’t seamless integration? What if none of my files are compatible?

I mumbled angrily to myself. I stomped around in circles.  I stomped around in circles while I mumbled angrily to myself. And then I called the help line. I was quickly connected to a very nice young man named Moses.  That’s a good sign, I thought. He should be familiar with revolutionary tablets. He was polite and calm, with a voice that oozed confidence.  Just what I’ve come to expect from my Apple Genius. I could almost hear him easing me away from the ledge, “Deep cleansing breaths, deep cleansing breaths…”

I described the problem and he chuckled. “Huh,” said my new friend Moses, “first time I’ve heard that.”

There goes that screeching record again.

That’s like showing your doctor a hairy wart or a weird rash and having him say he’s never seen it before. Like finding out you’ve just eaten the one piece of rhino anus that even Bear Grylls wouldn’t touch.  Sometimes it’s cool to be first.  Sometimes it’s not.

But under Moses’ expert guidance I started to relax, confident that together we could fix the problem.  And then, just as we were coming to the crux of it, disaster.

My cordless phone died. Suddenly and without warning I lost the connection (I told you technology hates me). I guess that’s what I get for still having a landline. Or maybe it’s phone karma swinging back at me for having such a hard time understanding why there’s no such thing as “long distance” anymore.

I freaked. My genius was gone. We’d spent almost an hour on the line trying to fix my (not so) perfect iPad, all for nothing. I was alone with nothing in my hands but a very hip, very expensive (and apparently very useless) toy.

Which is why, when I called back knowing I’d have to start all over with someone new, and the sophisticated recording on the other end prompted me to ask for what I wanted (after praising the “magical and revolutionary” new iPad) I stood up (red faced and hair raised) and shouted into the phone,

“I’d…like…to…speak…to…Moses!”

It was biblical; Sunday school images of a bearded man parting the Red Sea just to speak to me flashed through my head.  And that was the moment it got better. I laughed until I cried, until I almost peed my pants. I only hope that someone in Cupertino heard me. I know the neighbors did. It was awesome.

Anyway, it all worked out in the end; with a quick software upgrade (see it really was me) and an overdue refill on my Xanax, my very perfect iPad and I are now ready for Spain.


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One Response to “I’d Like to Talk to Moses”

  1. Mom May 13, 2010 at 1:09 pm #

    Congratulations on the ipad. Congratulations on Moses. I get you. I laughed till I cried as well. I’ve had a week of frustrated doctors’ offices calling because we sent our medical bill payments off shore. Suddenly, they are getting denials that make no sense. I get to be Moses. Hopefully I have made someone’s day better as well…

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