Fight Club

24 May

During my years as a mom I’ve done all kinds of activities; sewing, horseback riding, book clubs, running, even recipe clubs. There are gardening groups and the Junior League, ski trips and swimming lessons. Almost anything you could imagine, and yet there’s a need not being addressed, a niche I’d like to fill.

I’m thinking of starting a fight club for moms. Hear me out. Who needs it more than us? No one. Twenty-something guys waking to the realization that adulthood is soulless tedium have nothing on mothers. And if they get a secret group where they take out their frustrations like a bunch of savage lunatics, I want one too.

We could meet in an abandoned shopping center somewhere or maybe out behind Safeway or Whole Foods. We could battle in a ring of shopping carts and use the dumpsters as seating. We could have code names like “The Ripper,” “Stumps” and “Bruce.”

I can see it now. “See you guys after yoga,” mom says, her voice full of cheer as she heads to her minivan. A sharp pain shoots through her right wrist as she pulls the door closed. Damn Bermuda Red and her inverted gut wrench. She’s mine tonight.

I don’t know, I think it could work.

No one will even notice your fat lip or the occasional missing tooth. Tell your husband your kids did it. He’ll believe you. Because let’s face it, it’s no worse than they’ve already done. Plus, most of the ladies in the neighborhood are already involved (Janie’s mom has GOT to be The Slammer. I’d recognize that pile driver anywhere, even behind a red leather mask).

And I bet your mother won’t even ask. Because the scary truth is, she already knows. What’s the first rule of fight club? Don’t talk about fight club. Exactly.

Remember all that shit she never told you? Like how after the first 6 months of pregnancy the only things that would fit on the swollen lumps at the base of your cankles were flip flops? Even the ugly step-sisters had a better chance of cramming into a pretty shoe than you did. Or how it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck in the recovery room? (Your head spinning with thoughts like, “I did this on purpose?”) Or how you’ll never sleep the same again, doomed to wake at the first hint of noise. Of course, that’s assuming you sleep at all for the next year or so.

She knew it all.  Add fight club to the list.

And let’s not leave out one other thing your mother forgot to tell you. It’s one of my favorites. It’s about the day that your teenage daughter looks at you (with eyes full of pity) and says with a smirk, “Listen, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or anything, but I don’t want to hang out with you. And to be honest, mom, it’s kind of embarrassing.”

Embarrassing? Ahh yes, like when you were three and I was standing at the Rite-Aid check out counter and you decided to hide under my skirt, only to pop out and tell the clerk that I wasn’t wearing any underwear (even though I was)? Or like when we were in the realtor’s office a few years later and you unexpectedly blew chunks all over the expensive carpeting?

I know embarrassing.

I just didn’t think going for a bike ride or taking the dogs for a walk together qualified. It’s not as if I invited myself to your prom. My mistake.

So, I’m starting a fight club. Let’s say every other Tuesday at 7 pm. If you’re a mom, consider yourself invited. Bring a covered dish and a few rolls of gauze. Get yourself a name at BleedingMedia.com – MMA Fighter Nickname Generator and join me. I’ll be the one beating my head against the brick wall, trying to stop the bleeding.


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5 Responses to “Fight Club”

  1. Andy May 24, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

    Awesome!!! I can see it now, The Suburban Savage vs. The Casserole Killa (she is from the ‘streets’), have it announced by some guy who also does Monster Truck racing “TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY!!!! at the PIT, BE THERE!!” I also like the fact that someone’s nickname should be Bruce, classy. Anyways I think it is awesome. “You don’t know where I’ve been Lou, You Don’t know!!” As I person who witnessed Fight Clubs in College I approve as long as I can watch or you tape it and put it on youtube. I also like the fact that the websites thinks that this might have something to do with the Vancouver Outdoor Club, makes it 10 times better

  2. thefoolschair May 24, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

    NICE!!! The Casserole Killa? That’s pimp, dude.

  3. Dad May 24, 2010 at 2:49 pm #

    Finally the real u floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee. U ride or walk the dogs with anyone u want. You’re the MOM, Right??
    Live long and prosper in that circle of fame u call shopping carts.

  4. Mom May 24, 2010 at 6:23 pm #

    I’ve given up FC. Once you were all out of the house and turned back into human beings I had to give it up. I couldn’t generate the anger anymore and the younger mothers were kicking my butt. BUT – I may come back as a coach!

    Seriously, I make a mean three bean salad and I once had a backfist that was legendary. Think about it. That’s all I’m sayin’.

  5. Marc May 25, 2010 at 8:03 am #

    Well don’t forget to include the dads… I want fight club. gotta get training because he is catching up fast. Since the bashing lately of not being able to hear Joellen when she mumbles and Bryce runs with it…. my nickname is Gorilla Gramps!! Oh… one more quote…. “Hells coming with me!”

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