Too Much Rock for One Hand

26 May

Can you feel it? The world is a better place.

When Bret Michaels was named winner of NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice last Sunday night, the whole planet got just a little bit cooler. This may be the biggest upset since Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth or 2 Live Crew hit the Supreme Court. Not only did the aging 80’s rocker have to compete against thirteen other tough celebs (including chef Curtis Stone, who I LOVE), but he fought his way back from an emergency appendectomy and being hospitalized with a brain hemorrhage that nearly killed him in late April. Whew!

Bret was underestimated form the beginning. I guess the long blond hair, glittering earrings, late nights and living on “rocker time” will do that to you. Or maybe it was being the star of his own dating show:  Rock of Love 2 | Show Cast, Episodes, Guides, Trailers, Web Exclusives, Previews |, (which has given us some of the trashiest trainwrecks in recent memory) that did it. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I like Bret. I always have. And while he was never at the top of my dream team (is it too late for us, Jon?) he was definitely on the radar. Yes, he stammers and loses focus when a hot chick walks in the room (Hello? Rock star…). And yes, he designed a whole work-out program around having sex with groupies Celebrity Apprentice: The Tour Bus Thrust – in Metal News ( Metal ) (sounds worse than it is, honest). But I find that kind of clarity refreshing. When a guy will hit anything with a pulse, you always know where you stand. I like it when the lines are that clear.

On top of that (no pun intended), it takes balls to still be rockin’ guyliner this long after 1985. But I love it. Guyliner is HOT, and Bret makes it look good. I think everyone should wear it. I want to see it on the UPS guy and my pool boy (a 60-year-old Bears fan from Chicago). I want to see it on the bagger at the grocery store and even on my dentist. When I look into that face (as he’s scraping the plaque from my teeth) I want to know there’s some rock behind that paper mask and that he knows what to do with his instruments too. Nothing delivers that information more clearly than guyliner.


Maybe Trump recognized Bret’s vast creativity and thought he could use an out of the box thinker this year. Or maybe he spotted a fellow ladies’ man and got woozy thinking of all the ass that would be trotting through Trump Tower. We may never know.

So here’s to you, Bret. Here’s to sleeping ‘til noon at 47, partying ‘til you just can’t see and still gettin’ it done, all while wearing cowboy hats festooned with feathers and spark plugs. Here’s to keeping the dream alive for a whole generation of greasy-haired head bangers who are too dazed and confused to even know their own names, let alone cut their hair and join the current decade.

Here’s to fighting hard for your charity American Diabetes Association Home Page – American Diabetes Association and for your little girl. And for stickin’ it to the man so long and hard he had no choice but to hire you, right in front of the whole world. Here’s to proving that indeed, anything really is possible. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and yes, my child, Bret Michaels really did kick everyone else’s ass on Celebrity Apprentice. Well done, dude.

I can’t wait to get my hands on a bottle of TropaRocka  Snapple – Made From The Best Stuff On Earth » Apprentice and jam to Poison’s greatest hits (for like ten minutes anyway).  Go Bret!! WOOOOO!


4 Responses to “Too Much Rock for One Hand”

  1. uniqu3reflections May 26, 2010 at 9:32 am #

    I’m glad Bret won! His kind heart and ability to get through his illness, proves to the world his ability to FIGHT! He’s a fighter and the best man won 🙂

  2. Andrew May 26, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    Inspirational. Keeping the dream alive. I lost it when I pictured my dentist with black eye liner on. Not sure I am ready for that, but I would certainly remember the moment. Rock on!

  3. Mae May 26, 2010 at 5:09 pm #

    But, but, the blonde hair is a wig and the bandana is covering a 47 yo bald head and the cowboy hat is cheezy. Honey, aging rock stars are a particular breed of Peter Pan. There comes a time when we need to not wear bikinis and guy liner just looks sad. While he’s a real champion for diabetes he’s also teaching his little girl that she’s just an object. Just a piece of ass as it were. Nice. A few years ago we saw Robert Plant. He thought he was still rockin’ it too. It was a little sad, actually. Glad you enjoyed the season, sorry I can’t join with you in this one.

  4. thefoolschair May 26, 2010 at 5:41 pm #

    Guyliner NEVER looks sad. It’s HOT. I don’t even know who you are.

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