Dirty Pillows

1 Jun

The other day I was online and I came across these. DIRTYPILLOWZ.NET- Tasteful Adult Crafts.

All I can say is WOAH. Every time I think I’ve seen it all…

They weren’t kidding. These are dirty. But fine. Whatever. I’m no prude. It’s just that I can’t stop wondering who’s buying these. I mean, for real. Magazines and videos aren’t enough? Now we need erotic throw pillows? Is this really a decorating accessory?

And once you do make that leap and order these latch hook porno pillows (and isn’t that a bunch of words you never thought you’d hear used together?), where do they go? They’re throw pillows. So, that means a chair or a couch somewhere, presumably in a common area. Can you say CREEPY?

And trust me guys, even if you’re tossing a couple of these shaggy nasties into the dimly lit ambiance of your skin bin, it’s still creepy.  SUPER creepy.

Picture it:  You’ve been out on a few dates with him.  He’s cute, smart and funny. A real winner. He finally asks you back to his place for a drink. You hesitate, even though you like him, fearing you might end up like last night’s victim on CSI. And then you hear your sister in the back of your head. “Loosen up. Don’t worry so much!” And so, ignoring the tingling chill running up and down your spine, you decide to go.

What’s that moment like when he takes your coat and you cross to the couch, when you see the wrinkled black pleather sofa decked out with a couple of these furry scenes? Or God forbid you’re headed to his room, locked in a passionate embrace, and see them at the head of the bed. (His and Hers, a matching set).

Do you:

1. Act casual, hoping just to make it out alive?  “Nice pillows. My aunt Gladys has the leather fetish one.”

2. Smile and ask to use the bathroom, only to climb out the window and head straight to the airport, cursing your stupid sister and her bad advice the whole time? All of a sudden, leaving everything behind and starting a new life (complete with name change) seems like the only way to be safe from that freakshow.

or

3. You start stripping out of your clothes, too hot to wait another minute.  “Take me to bed or lose me forever, you big stud!”  Sorry Play-a. Not gonna’ happen.

Seriously, any guy (and sorry, I just can’t wrap my head around anyone other than a guy doing this) who puts these pillows in his place has got to be all wrong. Why do I know he has a mustache and wears robes and musky oils, too?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too judgmental, too harsh. Maybe these dirty pillows do have a place.

You could spend weeknights in front of the tv, watching American Idol with the kids and crafting one of these up for that White Elephant gift exchange at work. I bet it’s under $25, including shipping! Or how about Christmas morning at Grandma’s? Nothing says love quite like a handmade treasure. “Surprise! I made it myself!” So many precious moments to come…

As a gag, they might be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m actually thinking of sending a few to friends. (You know who you are.) But as porn? I don’t know. They seem awfully bulky for the bedside table.


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6 Responses to “Dirty Pillows”

  1. thefoolschair June 1, 2010 at 4:34 pm #

    A few readers have pointed out that these latch-hooked horrors are supposed to be gay porn. Really? I thought the stereotype was good taste and a propensity for style. Listen. Consider the innocent on the date a man then. No matter which way you slice it, these things are creepy!

  2. Andrew June 2, 2010 at 7:42 am #

    This could be the perfect van accessory. They probably go well with shag carpet wall coverings.

  3. Aaron June 2, 2010 at 9:00 am #

    I think you’re missing a huge target audience. Clearly the content would have to change, but I think erotic latch hook would be a smashing hit with the southcentral Pennsylvania lesbian community. They are 1. Handcrafted (always a plus with the girls around here), 2. Hideously ugly (as a gay man currently residing in southcentral PA, I find that if I am repulsed by some piece of domestic kitch, I am sure to find it in a lesbian friend’s trailer. 3. Although latch hook was arguably designed for the average 1970’s paranoid stoner, it has survived largely because of our lesbian friends. And finally, perhaps most importantly, they’re furry. 🙂

    • thefoolschair June 2, 2010 at 9:07 am #

      You may have found a home for these afterall. Nice work!! ROFLMAO!

  4. Erin June 21, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    I would straight up taser any guy who took me home to a house full of porno pillows. No questions asked.

    • thefoolschair June 21, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

      And he would deserve it, my friend. That and so much more.

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