Top Ten: May

3 Jun

Another month has rolled right on by, and that means another crazy Top Ten. Here are some of the best things I’ve seen all month.

#10 Bacon Burner

I love bacon as much as the next person. Crispy, salty…mmmm. What’s not to love? But I don’t think this will work: Bacon Candle. I don’t want it as a candle. That’s just weird. What’s next? Garlic scented potpourri? Rosemary rubbed grilled steak scented air freshener? No thanks.

#9 Classy Ladies

I’m a Real Housewives junkie.  It doesn’t matter if it’s the OC, New York, Atlanta or Jersey. I’m in. But I have to say, I’m just a little partial to Teresa Giudice from NJ. And after last year’s famous table flipping scene where she called housewife Danielle Staub a “prostitution whore” (Hulu – The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Breaking Down the Table Flip), I thought it couldn’t get any better. But I was wrong. This season, right out of the gate, she referred to Danielle as someone who “puts the cont in contradiction.” Aftershocks: Real Housewives of New Jersey artfully builds the catfighting drama – 2010-May-04 – CultureMap Houston.  NICE. You gotta’ LOVE Jersey.

#8 Shave a Baby

Being a parent is tough, especially around Christmas and birthdays. With so many toy options out there, sometimes it’s hard to know exactly which ones will be a hit with your kids. Here are some of my favorites. (I especially like “Shave a Baby” and her mysterious mounds of hair.) The 7 Most Inappropriate Products For Children (PHOTOS).

#7 Bottoms Up!

While we’re on the subject of kids, why not start planning next year’s gifts? Wrap your head around these: ROBBY BUBBLE kid’s party drink! Celebrate like the grown-up’s! and YouTube – Kodomo No Nomimono – Kid’s Beer!? So what if the bubbly one looks like a bottle of champagne? And who cares that the other one comes in brown bottles and six packs? What’s wrong with a little brewski? Preschool is stressful, man. You think that alphabet just comes to you?

Besides, I like to be honest with my kids. And nothing says honest more than “every party is better with booze.” I say with the bright, cheerful colors and the catchy theme song of Robby Bubble, combined with the inherent value the six pack of Sangaria offers, stock up and fill all next year’s Easter baskets. Who knows? If you’re really lucky you might even find some old candy cigarettes (man they tasted terrible) or some Big League Chew.

#6 PooTraps

Diapers for dogs. I get it. But there’s just something wrong about the whole thing. Like putting a leash on your toddler. Perfectly practical, and yet still wrong. YouTube – Dog Diaper – Demo Video.

Tell me the look on that dog’s face is not disturbing.  I dare you.

#5 Flame Caddy

We were headed to the mountains last weekend and saw this bad ass piece of automobile art driving down the highway.

Who do you think is driving a Cadillac like that? A young kid with piercings and chains and a bandanna wrapped around his head? A single woman with big hair and a hazy cloud of cigarette smoke? Or maybe a clown on his way to a flame-themed party? Nope.

A grandma. AWESOME.

#4. Here’s your sign

And your Walmart moment of the month. A few days ago I was in the store when I overheard a conversation between a mother and her little boy. The mom was in her 30’s, I’m guessing; she was tall and thin with long, blonde hair. She was pretty, but you could tell it would only be a few years before it all came apart at the seams, like she’d been rode hard and put away wet, if you know what I mean.

She had a blue, lacy piece of lingerie in her hands and she was distractedly caressing the fabric.  She was thinking, mulling it over. Meanwhile, her son, a dark-haired, cute little boy of about 7, was shuffling his feet and clearly wishing the floor would open up and swallow him whole. She shook her head and, holding the blue teddy up to her son, said, “See if you can find this in pink for Mommy.”

I threw up in my mouth and left.

#3 Everything is bigger in Texas

Especially the egos. And while loads of people are up in arms about the ridiculous textbook change that passed last month: Texas Conservatives Win Vote on Textbook Standards – NYTimes.com, I think we might be missing the bigger picture. All of a sudden Texas is the state to hate? Hmmm…who could stand to gain from that? Has anyone checked for Arizona’s involvement here? Just sayin’.

#2 But Mom!

The mother of Ardi Rizal, the smoking toddler (YouTube – Baby Smokes 40 Cigarettes two years old toddler make Cigarette tricks), has decided that her son should quit the habit, despite the vomiting and violent fits of rage that he suffers when she holds out on him. Mom Of Chain-Smoking Indonesian Child Seeks Help For Her Son (VIDEO). Turns out that not only is it bad for him, but it’s kind of expensive. Too bad. I was waiting for him to learn how to blow a magic smoke ring that turned into a ship, just like Gandalf. Dang!

And rollin’ in at #1 is one of the craziest stories I’ve heard in awhile.

#1 Just Say No

Perhaps Nancy Reagan’s slogan isn’t working anymore. Jarrod Wyatt Murder Details: MMA Fighter Allegedly Ripped Out Victim’s Heart. But then, “Doing drugs may cause you to cut out your friend’s heart (to save him from the devil) and then saute it up for dinner” was, sadly, a bit too long for cute buttons and bumper stickers. Maybe that’s why it never made the cut.

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One Response to “Top Ten: May”

  1. Andrew June 3, 2010 at 11:03 am #

    I am not a big dog fan, but even I wouldn’t shame a dog with that PooTrap rig. If you try it, expect your dog to gnaw your throat out while you sleep. And you would deserve it.

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