Great Gifts for Dad (especially if you’re passive aggressive and looking to send a message)

17 Jun

This Sunday is Father’s Day. And if that’s news to you this late in the week, you’re probably a jerk.

Either that or you’re some kid who stumbled on my blog during the commercials. You shouldn’t be here. Anyway, iCarly’s back on. Get out or you’re grounded.

For the rest of us, I’ve put together a list of some of the more unconventional gift options out there; something other than the picture tie or custom golf balls. Something guaranteed to cause a reaction. One way or the other.

The Tushee:

This thing rocks. Somewhere in a hazy, smoke-filled room there are a couple of guys bent over laughing, just counting the cash. It’s a towel. I can’t even believe this thing is real. YouTube – TUSHEE – The Towel for you Tushee – As Seen on TVAt least the Snuggie (and it’s low-rent cousin, The Slanket) had sleeves.

The G-Spout:

Yeah, you heard me. If your dad loves to cook, your prayers have been answered. YouTube – g-Spout – Years Best New Kitchen Tool for Pouring and Straining.  This revolutionary kitchen gadget will transform your dad’s life in the kitchen from messy and mundane to clean and, ooh la la…sassy.  Nice name. It’s so…subtle.

The Hawaii Chair:

I guess I’m late to the game. I just discovered this thrilling piece of engineering this morning. YouTube – Hawaii Chair InfomercialAnd what a discovery it was. There are literally no words for how inappropriate this thing is.

Give this to your dad on Sunday and I promise it can only go one of two ways.

1.  Your dad is a normal human being and this will happen:

“Thanks, guys!” he’ll say with a shaky voice, his eyes wide with shock and humiliation. They think I’m a complete fat ass…too far gone to even work it off in the gym. Guess real clothes are out next. Nothing but sweats and loose knits for me now.

OR

2. Your dad is a nut job and this will happen:

“Thanks, guys!” he’ll say as he gleefully unwraps the box, his secret dream of lounging away the rest of his life in a lurid, swiveling Hawaii chair finally realized. He skillfully cuts away the box and stands proudly, hands on hips, basking in the beauty of his major award. He backs up to it, gently, lovingly, then sits. He caresses the arm rests, tentatively at first, then squints and  boldly flicks the “on” button.  As the seat moves, sending him endlessly round and round, a content smile spreads across his face and his eyes glaze over.

Nice. The next thing you know you’ll be sitting at the breakfast table trying to choke down a bowl of Cheerios while your dad spins his way through the Sunday paper, the constant whirring of that relentless motor haunting even your most private moments.

Any way you look at it, this thing can mean nothing but trouble.

Rejuvenique Face Mask:

YouTube – Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask. This funky gadget is perfect for the dad who is into keeping his youthful appearance. Or maybe he’s just a guy who always wanted to be Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. When dad pops this creepy mask on for a few minutes each day (maybe right after shaving, when the skin is extra sensitive) he’ll feel his facial muscles tone as the expensive gold electrodes send a shocking dose of electricity through his twitching face. So exhilarating! Imagine the multi-tasking possibilities!

But don’t take my word for it, watch this testimonial. YouTube – The Mask of Death!!!!.

And hey, if you’re really feelin’ the love for your dad this year, go ahead and splurge! Spoil him rotten with both the Hawaii Chair and Rejuvenique. Just when you thought that breakfast table interaction couldn’t get any worse…

But if none of these seem right for your special dad, don’t despair. Check out the Huffington Post: The Worst Father’s Day Gifts Ever: 11 Things NOT To Get Your Pop (PICTURES) for even more ideas.

As for me…I’m going all out:

Nothing says “I love you, Dad!” quite like a gun-shaped grill.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there…and good luck on Sunday.

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3 Responses to “Great Gifts for Dad (especially if you’re passive aggressive and looking to send a message)”

  1. Andrew June 18, 2010 at 6:16 am #

    WTF? Are you kidding me? At some point to people realize they are buying a towel, not a revolutionary new product? I think I should market “Footies” with a lame rhyming jingle.

    Of course, they will be socks with a logo on the side. I could say “are you a moron and tired of having dirt stick to your foot? Let your friends know you’re an idiot. Get Footies.”

    I don’t know what to say about the Hawaii chair except, really?

    Rejuvenique is probably the most disturbing thing I have seen since the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

    I’ll take the grill. Thanks.

  2. Kim Damaska June 18, 2010 at 8:39 pm #

    This would be perfect for Ryan…wow…couldn’t think of anything else that would fit him so well.

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