Archive | July, 2010

Fish Battle: Oh Yeaaahh?

27 Jul

I was on the highway the other day, stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, when I noticed something on the car in front of me.

Now that’s cool.

Not that I agree with the sentiment. My feet are firmly planted on the side of evolution. And to be honest, the argument itself doesn’t even interest me that much. But the fact that it’s being played out on the backs of cars all across the world, like some fancy bumper sticker warfare?

That’s AWESOME.

Of course there are loads of parodies of the Jesus fish, including:

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

The Jolly Pirate Fish

and of course, my favorite, The Dino.

There’s even a website dedicated to the ongoing struggle. Check out: Fish Wars on Cars.

But this latest retaliation by the Creationists amused me. It was well done. And as I sat there, creeping along at 2 mph, I imagined how they must’ve felt when the Darwin fish first appeared years ago. It must have irked them pretty badly to have their favorite fish so cleverly hi-jacked by the Evolutionists.

So when I saw their retaliation I was impressed.

You could hear the Creationist message loud and clear, just screaming from the back of that tan Toyota corolla. “Oh yeah? Well I see your Darwin fish, its stubby little legs bastardizing our sacred symbol, and raise you a giant Truth fish that eats your Darwin fish! WHOLE! Take that!”

The air began to tingle and I swear the music from Star Trek (the episode where Kirk battles the lizard man on the desert planet: YouTube – Worst Fight Scene Ever) was playing in the background. It was on!

And how would the Evolutionists answer this last blow, so well done by the Creationists? My mind buzzed with possibilities as I sat there, idling in the sweltering heat of the stand-still traffic.

Maybe a stick figure with a fishing pole labeled The Darwin (kind of likeThe Nimbus 2000, only not as cool or widely accepted) hanging over one shoulder with the giant Truth fish, now caught and captured, dangling from two fingers. I guess. But do you include the half-eaten Darwin fish inside the giant Truth fish as it’s being drug home, now a possession of the Evolutionists? Hmmm…seems a bit cumbersome really.

Could it be time to move away from the whole fish theme altogether? Maybe something new. For everyone.

I propose a slimy gilled creature (think Creature from the Black Lagoon) crawling its way out of the murky water onto a rough, muddy bank for the Evolutionists. It could have a cape with a giant “D” on it. And an earring.

And I think a burning bush for the Creationists, the glowing flames artistically rendering the word, “Believe,” flickering in the perpetual fire.

Think about it.  A battle between a gilled lizard-man (his earring glinting in the glow from his enemy’s flame) and the iconic burning bush, fighting it out on the backs of cars over the next few years? Now that’s awesome. Think of it as Alien vs. Predator or Freddy vs. Jason for the highways. Like adventure comics for driving, but with real conviction on the line.

I’m on to something here, I can feel it. Something to settle the score for all time, one colossus against another, each fighting for their version of the truth. (You can hear the music too, right?)

At the very least it would go a long way to lighten the mood in sweltering bumper to bumper traffic. I know it worked for mine. 🙂

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Top Ten: June

4 Jul

The heat must be making people extra stupid, because this month has been full of some really intelligent choices. But first…

#10 The Vinturi Vomit

This clever little device (Vinturi Red Wine Aerator) is designed to eliminate the need to “let your wine breathe.”  So no more waiting after opening a bottle (or drinking shitty wine because you’re impatient).

And it works.

But there’s one small problem. It makes such a loud, disgusting slurping noise as you pour the wine through that instead of anticipating the richness of a nice glass of Petite Syrah, or the boldness of an aged Cabernet, you find yourself tasting lunch. Cause you just threw up a little in your mouth. Picture a pen full of sloppy hogs sucking down their extra gushy slop and you’re coming close to how wrong this thing sounds.

Now that’s classy. What’s the wine recommendation for bile?

#9 And the moon collided with the Earth…

No one really cares about Brad Pitt anymore, Mom.”

My daughter made this pronouncement the other day with such casual authority that I was literally dumbfounded. The sun refusing to shine would’ve rocked me less. Ever since his appearance in Thelma & Louise almost 20 years ago, Brad Pitt has been a constant; a bright star of beauty shining through the dull, muddy hues of everyday  life. Someone who makes the whole planet more attractive just by existing, just by breathing. Everyone knows that. Even guys.

So what’s with my kid? Maybe it’s the stink of Angelina Jolie that has rubbed off on him, souring him to the younger generation. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just old. Either way, I hate it.

#8 Welcome to the planet

I know what it’s like to be a new mom, to have that innocent little life depending on you. To spend every waking moment handling someone else’s disgusting fluids. I get it. I remember.

And I even remember thinking that a helmet might be a good idea (you know, for when they’re learning to walk and they inevitably lead with that big, unprotected melon). But I never got one. And we were all better off because of it. Let them crash. That’s how they learn not to do it again.

Relax. Go to the mall, walk around and gawk at strangers and pretty clothes you’ll never have an occasion to wear.  Let dad deal with it. He doesn’t want to put a helmet on his kid (somehow he instinctively knows this is stupid) and chances are your kid will probably survive.

But if you just can’t force yourself to calm down, check out these nifty new products, designed just for you. 10 Must-Have Products for Paranoid Parents | momlogic.com – StumbleUpon.

My favorite may be the sign you stick to your baby reminding people to wash their hands before touching him. I guess I’m a jerk, but I’d be tempted to spit on any kid who wore a sign like this. Just sayin’.

#7 What’d That Say?

Check these out. Design Fetish: Rebranding NYC.  Last month the latest bunch of “products” designed by anonymous artists appeared on the shelves of some stores in New York.  I like Nose Job in a Can” myself.

#6 Yeah for Arizona!!

AZ State Senator John Huppenthal was criticized recently for his less than awesome interview with high school student Keith Wagner. John Huppenthal, Keith Wagner Interview: AZ State Senator Schooled By High School Student (VIDEO).

This kid is obviously a Soviet plant. Maybe the one that the FBI missed last week. FBI: 10 Russian Spies Arrested in U.S. – CBS News. His super powers of persuasion and manipulation make it look like he’s just a well prepared high school student asking a few innocent questions for a simple interview, but the truth is obviously more sinister. I haven’t seen moves like this since Kevin Costner in No Way Out.

I mean think about it, could a U.S. Senator really be this unprepared and uninformed? Nahhhh.

#5 Did you wash your hands?

Lysol has come up with a new product to protect us when we wash our hands. You didn’t even know you needed protection then, did you? Ahh, but you’re so vulnerable. LYSOL® | Disinfect To Protect | Products | Hand Soap System.

Seriously? It’s soap.  How many germs could really be on the end of the dispenser?

I think Lysol should re-think this. I propose the No-touch Ass-Wiper or something along those lines. I picture a special extension handle (that comes with a free pack of disposable gloves) that makes touching your own bottom a thing of the past.

Don’t buy this. It’s stupid. Colossally stupid.

#4 The Ice Cream Man is COMING!!!

“Find another corner, Biotch, or I’ll gut you like a fish! You’re blood will run like a cherry popscicle on the fourth of July.”

Ice Cream Turf War: Vendor Accused Of Knife Threat On Other Vendor.

This is bad ass. Enough said.

#3 (Call the) Kindergarten Cops

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better…parents take it to the next level.

Brawl erupts at I.E. kindergarten graduation | abc7.com.

I can just hear it now, “Get your fat ass out of my way, I can’t see my boy!” And how could something that innocent be misunderstood? Of course you’d be forced to retaliate with, “Well if your boy didn’t have his whole goddammed hand jammed halfway up his nose, maybe I’d be able to see my little angel beside him!” I smell a reality show.

The last line of the article says, “No children were hurt in the incident.” Really? Hmmm….

At least the ice cream vendors didn’t fight in front of their own kids.

#2 Dazed and Confused

A lawsuit has been filed in California this month by Jake Holmes, an American folk singer, claiming that Jimmy Page stole Dazed and Confused from him. Jimmy Page Sued Over ‘Dazed And Confused’ | News @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com.

I’m not sure which is worse, the fact that Holmes waited 40 years to file the suit (seriously, why now?), or just how much Zeppelin’s Dazed and Confused really does sound like his version. Listen and tell me I’m wrong. Please.

and bringing us home is:

#1 Bong Baby

A Florida mother is in hot water (ya think?) after posting some pictures on her Facebook page. Facebook Photo of Baby With Bong Sparks Outrage.

What exactly was this girl thinking?

I mean, when my husband and I used to let our daughter smoke from a cheesy homemade bong, we never took pictures. And we absolutely never posted them on Facebook. Duh.

This is exactly what’s wrong with young parents these days.