All Tied Up

6 Aug

When was the last time you lost it? I mean, for real, smoke coming out of your ears, head-spinning, Exorcist, berserker, lost it.

I had one yesterday.

You see, I got a new bag for my birthday. And for some unknown girly reason that I don’t even want to evaluate, it makes me happy. Just the sight of it. Just knowing it’s mine. It’s a great bag, from my favorite store. It’s big and slouchy but still has some shape, casual enough for everyday but quirky enough to make me smile every time I see it. The fabric is deep blue and green and just feels great in your hands.  And it has this super cute, perfectly tied bow right at the top. Ahhhh…

Or, I should say, it used to have a super cute, perfectly tied bow at the top.

Now there’s just a mess of wrinkled green fabric up there; two sad, limp strips hanging down from the top in defeated disgrace, like a boustier-clad cougar crawling home alone, throat sore, ears still ringing after a rockin’ night at the Justin Bieber concert. And, girl, there is nothing cute about that.

Of course it was an accident, which only added to my complete melt down. Not only did my daughter sit on one end of the bow as she got in the car, accidentally untying its gleaming, store-bought perfection, but she didn’t even do it on purpose. Which meant I really couldn’t be mad at her.

So, in characteristically good form, always going for that coveted “Mother of the Year” award, I completely lost it.

“AHHH!” I said, the whites of my eyes glowing as my body began to shake. “MY BOW!”

“Huh?” The impudence. Honestly, should anyone have to put up with this?

“It’s ruined! The whole thing! Just…just…LOOK at it!” I screamed.

“Here,” she said patiently, smirking a bit as she realized the lunacy that had overwhelmed me, “I’ll just re-tie it. It’ll be fine, Mom.”

Keep smiling. Go ahead. Destroy my perfect bow and all my happiness with it, and then laugh in my face!

“See,” she said, holding up the sad, homemade wreckage, “a bow.”

“That’s…that’s…not right!” Huff. Stamp. Pout.

She snickered, amused by my baby fit.

“The whole thing is just ruined now,” I fumed. “And it can’t be fixed. Ever. I don’t know how to tie a bow like that. No one ties bows like that. Only store people.”

She sat in the passenger seat, twitching from the effort it took not to laugh. She had been given that rare (hmm…) gift, a moment when she was the most mature person in the car.

“I’m sorry. Just forget it. It’s just that it’s stupid and ruined forever now,” I stammered, shaking my head. (If I’m honest, I was almost in tears. Don’t judge). “It’s nothing now but…but…but a big bag with an old ASSY bow.”

And that’s when she laughed, which (thank God) made me laugh too.

The good news is that after about ten minutes of deep breathing, more laughing, and the two of us shaking our heads at just how truly assy our pathetic attempts at bow tying were, I decided to take it to our dry cleaner, who happens to be a master seamstress, and, coincidentally, in case you’re ever in need, can tie a mean bow. Just like a store person.

It’s good to have great kids. Sometimes they’re right there for you when you need them most, to make assy bows with and to talk you down from the ledge. Even if the only reason you’re up there in the first place is because they ruined your shit.


5 Responses to “All Tied Up”

  1. Andy August 7, 2010 at 12:19 am #

    Dad was right about her she is definately a breaking kid. One of the greatest Dad lines ever were to ur daughter probablly 6 years or so ago as she was trying to ‘fix’ something were “if I wanted it broke, I would break it myself”. Classic dad and something that goes down in Farm history as one of the legendary lines from dad. So in the end she was just genetically (sp?) made as a ‘breakin kid’

  2. Mae August 7, 2010 at 5:49 pm #

    OMG! It took me forever to finish this because I was laughing too hard to go on. We have all SO been there!

  3. Phoebe August 10, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    Too funny! I can completely picture the scene, and I LOOOVE the bag!!!!

  4. Ash August 26, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

    Oh I love it! You are amazing….. getting all caught up….

  5. Ash August 26, 2010 at 8:59 pm #

    love it!

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