Top Ten: August

6 Sep

The last month of summer was full of some great moments for me, from week-long Chinese traffic jams to fart neutralizing pads.  Here are some of my favorites.

#10. Sugar Shack

I was baking muffins the other day when I reached in the closet and grabbed the sugar. I LOVE how it comes in a cool new carton. Every time I see it, it makes me smile. Seriously. I’d like to pin a medal on the person who finally realized that sugar needed a better delivery system. That stupid paper bag, the one that inevitably sprayed sugar all over (no matter how carefully you opened it) is finally a thing of the past.

I was about to add the sugar (smiling the whole time) when I noticed it said, “Shake firmly before opening.”  So, I shook. Firmly. Only it turns out I had already opened it. Not only did I have sugar all over, but special, ultrafine bakers sugar. Nice. So much for not spraying sugar all over. Someday I’m going to get it together. I swear.

#9. “Busdriver! Busdriver! Open the Door!”

For the entire first week of school my daughter was late for her homeroom. Every. Single. Day. You might think she was fooling around or hanging out with friends. Maybe even smoking behind the bathroom. Nope. Her busdriver couldn’t get it together enough to get the kids to school on time.  I’m not even kidding. You have to love California.

#8. Idle Threat

Speaking of California schools, look what just showed up at the elementary school:

Really? In addition to smoking, swearing, drinking and everything else that has been taken away in the name of the children, now I can’t even let my car idle because there are children breathing?

Had there been no sign, I probably would’ve turned my car off. Now, because of this insulting, offensive propaganda I just might pop it in neutral and rev the engine as Little Johnny walks behind me, making sure to envelope him in that sweet smelling cloud of exhaust.

#7. Made in China

This probably isn’t news to anyone, but China’s 10 day traffic jam has to make the list.

China’s Massive Traffic Jam Could Last For Weeks : NPR.  Are you kidding me? They could have my car after the first day. Hell no.

#6. He Who Smelt It…

Every once in awhile a product comes along that really serves a need; something that fills a gap and makes the world a better, more enjoyable place. Meet Subtle Butt:

Gas pads by Subtle Butt: Disposable Gas Neutralizers. Pop one of these “disposable gas neutralizers” in your drawers and you’re all set. Think of them as Depends for farting. In fact, why not splurge for a few and pass them out at work? Give them to that stinky ass at the gym or even at book club. And bonus! The small size makes them perfect for stocking stuffers…

#5. Over It

Cosmopolitan has outdone itself this month with the controversial cover story on Jessica Alba’s Untamed Va-Jay-Jay.”

Grow up. If you’re going to go there, then go there. Put your big girl pants on and say VAGINA. Plaster it right across the cover in bold, pink letters. That I could respect. Should Jessica Alba’s Untamed “Va-Jay-Jay” Be A “Vagina”? | The Frisky.

But this euphemism is played out. It isn’t cute anymore and truly, it’s not even that provocative. It’s just infantile. I’m a woman. I have one. I get it. And to be honest, I don’t care if Jessica Alba (who I like) can make her Va-Jay-Jay recite the national anthem in ancient Sanskrit (on second thought, that might be interesting).

And P.S. It would be nice to be able to stand in the check out line at Safeway and not have to explain to my 13-year-old daughter what an untamed Va-Jay-Jay is.

#4. Something’s Fishy

I miss the days when chips and McNuggets were more of a danger than spinach and eggs. When having a burger medium rare wasn’t like playing Russian roulette. When eating fish from the gulf was a healthy choice, not a calculated risk.

But maybe we should stick to that gulf seafood after all. According to an article in The Huffington Post, Imported Seafood May Be Riskier Than Gulf Seafood Post-Oil Spill. That’s right. The stuff you’ve been eating for years, the stuff untouched by BP’s disaster, is probably so contaminated with rat droppings and other delightful add-ins (like hair and pesticides) that it makes the petroleum-soaked shrimp seem like light fare.

I think I’m going back to nuggets. If my food is going to kill me, it may as well taste good enough to die for.

#3. Just Wrong

I’ve passed this sign maybe 100 times. It’s just wrong.

#2. Soup’s On

“Excuse me, waiter?”

“Yes, sir?”

“What’s that fly doing in my soup?”

“That’s not a fly, that’s a condom!”

A man in California (figures) said he found a condom in his French Onion soup while eating at a Claim Jumper restaurant. Sweet. Now even soup is contaminated. Condom In Soup Case: Man Settles Lawsuit Against Claim Jumper Restaurant.

Told you nothing was safe to eat anymore.

#1. Foul Ball

And my favorite moment of August came as I was driving down the road and heard this on the radio: Lou Gehrig May Not Have Had Lou Gehrig’s Disease | Playbook.

Come on. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

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2 Responses to “Top Ten: August”

  1. Mae September 6, 2010 at 6:58 pm #

    another top ten well worth waiting for. Thank you.

  2. Marc Kephart September 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    Love it Girl!!!!!

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