Nanny McState Returns

15 Sep


The first lady is after your fries.

At a recent lecture (and I do mean lecture) given to the National Restaurant Association, Mrs. Obama suggested that restaurants consider “reformulating menus in pragmatic and incremental ways to create healthier versions of foods that we all love.” Michelle Obama to Restaurants: Cut Fat – Washington Wire – WSJ.

Okay. I’ve considered it. Now piss off.

The restaurant industry has had a mandatory ban on artificial trans fats since 2008 in some cities and states (New York Restaurants Prepare for the Big Switch – No More Trans Fat – NYTimes.com), arguably making the preparation of many foods healthier, or at least more cholesterol friendly.

Fine. I guess. Look, I’m all for eating healthy. For being healthy. Drop by my place any night and you’ll see us wading through the vegetables, fruit, soy and quinoa that I make a regular part of our lives (sometimes to a disgruntled crowd of bacon-loving carnivores). I don’t smoke, and I exercise. A lot.

But those are my choices. Let me say it again for the cheap seats.

Those are my choices.

I loved when the first lady planted a garden (Michelle Obama Garden – Michelle Obama Plants White House Garden – The Daily Green). That’s about taking personal responsibility. Good job. And I love that she wants to fight childhood obesity. Me too. But she’s barking up the wrong tree.

It’s not McDonalds’ fault that kids are fat and diabetic. It’s their parents’. You heard me. The last time I checked, kids don’t come out wrapped in cash. Or with an addiction to chicken nuggets. So who’s buying all those happy meals? Who’s schlepping through the drive thru three times a week instead of providing a healthy meal?

Bingo!

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE a quarter pounder with cheese, or Burger King’s original chicken sandwich (remember how it was cut on the diagonal and all that mayo would squish out when you took the first bite?) or a giant 20 piece McNugget (there can’t be real chicken in there). But I don’t eat any of it very much. Hello! That stuff is terrible for you.

Like birthday cake, it’s a treat, meant for special occasions. You know, like when you’re the only sober one in the car, driving home from a death-defying day at the infield of the Preakness, with a van full of pissed off drunks, and one of the loud mouths in the back starts whining about how much he has to poo. Permission granted. Swing into Mickey D’s.

Or for the nights when you’ve rushed home from your daughter’s karate practice (after the instructor held the room full of 9-year-olds for an extra 20 minutes to meditate on how to properly execute a lethal throat chop), your mind racing like a rat on a wheel because thanks to this Jackie Chan wannabe you’re now beyond late, while you struggle to remember if you even got the chicken breasts out to thaw. You pull into the driveway, screeching the tires and rush into the house, ignoring the rambling story your daughter is telling about how Erin’s brother’s best friend Muncher (you soo don’t want to know) fed her goldfish to his chinchilla (Erin’s brother’s, not Muncher’s), and make a bee-line for the kitchen, praying the chicken is in the sink, only to find your husband hunched over the toilet, wretching, vomiting his guts out because he happened to step in the surprise pile of dog shit that was waiting just inside the door. Again, permission granted. By all means, throw your hands in the air and order some Chinese food.

It’s exactly times like these that make me thankful for so many options. For the availability of fat-laden, high carb, deep-fried, sugarific deliciousness, that somehow, magically, helps wipe away some of the chaotic ugliness in your day, tipping the scales back toward even ground.

Choices, people. Sometimes food nourishes your body, and sometimes it nourishes your soul.

Mrs. Obama’s lecture to the restaurant industry threatens my soul. I don’t want to go out to Biba (Biba Restaurant – Lunch| Premier Italian Restaurant | Sacramento Italian Restaurant | Home of Biba Caggiano) for saffron ravioli and find they’re only making it with whole wheat pasta now, as the first lady suggested, because it’s a healthier version. Or find the alfredo at my neighborhood Pasta Pomodoro tastes like gloopy, creamed cardboard because it’s now made with non-fat cream cheese or some other crime against nature. Alfredo = cream, butter, parm, garlic and fettucini. And that’s heavy cream, real butter, and refined, bleached, white flour fettucini, thank you.

If I want to keep an old soup can full of congealed bacon grease on the back of the stove (for flavor of course), just like my great grammy used to, that’s my choice. And if I want to eat three Big Macs, a Snickers and a side of Pringles for lunch everyday, and wash it down with a marshmallow topped root beer float swirling with hot fudge, that’s my choice.

So, please, Mrs. Obama, just stop. Stop lecturing the restaurant industry. Stop gearing up to punish me for other people’s bad judgement. Please, before my very healthy heart breaks from the thought of no more stuffed crust extra cheese meatlovers pizza. I beg you, in the name of all that which does not suck, stop! YouTube – Beavis and Butt-Head: See You in Hell.

Seriously. Get out of my bedroom and stay away from my uterus. Get off my guns and my cigarettes.  And for the love of all that’s good in the world, get your nanny hands off of my extra salty FRIES.

I see a world of bootleg, high-processed, white flour foods emerging, a whole new black market exploding with extra-refined sugar products and high fructose corn syrup.

Don’t worry though, I’ll be on the corner with the drug dealers and pimps, ready to score you some ho-hos and glazed doughnuts to go with your mandatory decaf non-fat green tea. It’s really no big deal, I’ll be out there for my morning run anyway.

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5 Responses to “Nanny McState Returns”

  1. Andrew September 15, 2010 at 2:05 pm #

    F-n-A! Jen for President!

  2. Mae September 15, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHA! As we finished off a lovely dinner of green chile and bean soup tonight with a small piece of pear pie – the pears were hanging on the tree this morning – I was thinking how much better my pie crust was when it was made with REAL LARD! Testify Sister!

  3. Ryan Damaska September 15, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    What can I say other than the taste is in the unhealthy bits…and who the hell takes 20 min to figure out a lethal throat chop? C’mon thats TOO easy.

    • thefoolschair September 16, 2010 at 7:03 am #

      LOL! Of course Uncle Weapon would focus on that. You crack me up.

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