Archive | October, 2010

Of Headaches and Hubris

13 Oct

I had a headache the other day. And not just a small one. It was a doozy; the kind that makes you wish you could burrow under ground, transform into a hairless moleman and never have to see the blinding light of day again.

Because I am lucky, my beautiful, compassionate and frequently very considerate daughter took care of me. I’m not even kidding. As she did her homework, she lovingly alternated cool cloths for my head and made sure the dogs didn’t bother me while I rested in bed. It was very sweet.

As the searing white pain in my head slowly eased, I thought about what a great kid she had grown into, how caring and sympathetic, how generous and thoughtful. Maybe this whole teenage thing wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

Hours later, the vice began to loosen from my temples and I started to feel better. I emerged from my cave-like bedroom, breathing in the simple, sweet joy of being pain free. Life was good. I smiled and headed down the hall to thank my super kid for all of her help.

That was when I saw the huge pile of dog poo on the carpet, just outside her bedroom.

“What’s going on with the poo?” I asked, squishing my nose against the thick, fecal air as I peeked into her room. I was incredulous. Surely she had seen it.

“They did it awhile ago. I didn’t want to bother you,” she replied, her voice full of heartfelt sincerity.

NICE.

My husband, who had just gotten home from work, happened to be coming up the steps and heard this too. Knowing that the implication that I was the designated poo picker-upper, that I was the only one capable of cleaning up such a disgusting mess, would cause my head to explode, he did the only thing he could. He laughed. And then he turned on his heels and went back down the steps.

A short (but loud) lecture followed, where I explained to my daughter that finding dog poo and leaving it for me (no matter how considerate it was to wait for my headache to go away) is UNACCEPTABLE (can I get an AMEN?). The house rules are pretty simple: you find it, you clean it. She rolled her eyes, cleaned it up (reluctantly), and stomped back to her room, mumbling about how I didn’t appreciate anything she had done for me.

Where was the doting child who had nursed me for hours and cooled my brow with fresh cloths? Gone. Replaced (in a flash) by her evil twin, Sybil. Guess we weren’t in for such a free ride after all. Lesson learned.

But the best part is the lesson I’m sure she learned. I’d bet money that from now on she’d feign blindness for a month, foregoing all her favorite shows and maybe even her phone (clutch the pearls!) before ever admitting to finding another pile of dog poo in the house.

The whole thing may not have gone according to plan.

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Top Ten: September

7 Oct

#10. Trick or Treat

The first time I saw this year’s new Snickers Halloween commercial I thought it was for a horror movie. I’d love to stock up on Snickers for Halloween, but I’m too busy hiding under my bed, praying this 9-foot, monstrous old lady doesn’t hunt me down and find me in my sleep, only to drag me to her wooded lair where she’ll fatten me up on fresh cookies and then use my stretched skin for the homemade quilt of human flesh she’s been working on. Not sure this was a big hit for me. ‘Old Lady’ In Snickers Halloween Commercial Is The Creepiest (VIDEO)

#9. Peta Shmeta

Vice President Biden’s appearance last month on The Colbert Report, where he handed out hot dogs to servicemen and women, upset PETA. Biden draws the ire of PETA – The Oval: Tracking the Obama presidency. It’s hard to believe this is even real. I’m sure things are going so well for the world’s population of victimized big-eyed baby seals that PETA has nothing better to do. Not to mention the fact that vegans don’t exactly conjure up images of strength and courage. Just sayin’.

#8. Drill bits and Wedding Pics

A couple from Lake Forest, California married this month. In their local Home Depot. Home Depot Wedding: Couple Marry at Lake Forest Home Depot Store – ktla.com. Nice.

Fertilizer? Check.

Six pack of lightbulbs? Check.

Married? Check.

#7. Drink Up

Vodka for carnivores? Flavored with bacon or salmon, it jazzes up Bloody Marys and more.

Yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

#6. Oooh, Me So Stuupid

Luther Campbell, member of the explicit, controversial 80’s hip hop band 2 Live Crew, criticized Obama’s stance this month on the proposed Mosque near ground zero. In an article in the Miami New Times, Campbell said, “He (Obama) took the middle-of-the-road approach when he said we have to tolerate other religious views in a free country. I am not with that. Hell, no.”  Ground Zero mosque idea stinks – Page 1 – News – Miami – Miami New Times. Pretty interesting from a guy who spent much of the 90’s fighting for his first amendment rights. Colbert handled this best. Luther Campbell Opposes Ground Zero Mosque – The Colbert Report – 9/14/10 – Video Clip | Comedy Central.


#5. Pin the Tail on the Pedestrian

Finally someone has zeroed in on the ultra-wealthy’s thinly veiled attempt to turn the innocent children’s game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey into brutal human blood sport. Bentley’s Pedestrian-Stabbing Hood Ornament Recall Affects Just 596 Vehicles – MotorAuthority.

#4. Mmmm…Unmoldable

New York artist Sally Davies decided to document what would happen to a Happy Meal, left indefinitley on her kitchen table.  Disgustingly, the answer is…nothing.  McDonalds Happy Meal Project – a set on Flickr.   On the bright side, just think how resistant to mold our kids’ insides are.

#3. Wild Animals Ahead

A commercial for this website popped up on the tv this month. Cougar Life – Dating Website for Women Looking to Catch Younger Men. At first I thought this was a joke. Sadly, no. I am so naive.


#2. The Golden State

On Tuesday, September 21, officials arrested mayor of Bell, California, Oscar Hernandez, on rampant corruption charges. 8 current and former officials from Bell, California, arrested – CNN. That’s pretty good. But here’s the best part. According to a radio report (Bell Officials Arrested for Corruption: The California Report | The California Report), when the cops came Hernandez wouldn’t answer the locked door.  A battering ram was finally used to break into his office. I wonder if they found him sitting behind his desk with his fingers in his ears saying, “Lalalalal! I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!”

#1. HoHos and Cosmos

I was mixing up my morning drink (a dreadful concoction of 2 oz. FRS energy supplement, 2 oz. aloe vera gel and 4 oz. water (I don’t recommend it) when a terrible thought occurred to me. Our shot glasses have become responsible for measuring health supplements instead of whiskey. WTF, right? I know. It’s a little embarrassing. And sad.

I like being healthy. It makes me feel good. And yet, in a shadowy corner of my mind a bitter insurgent lingers, wretched and angry, biding her time until the day when I wake up and decide that none of it is worth it anymore, that the good food and the exercise can just suck it, and that from now on there will be nothing in my life but HoHos and Cosmos.