Top Ten: September

7 Oct

#10. Trick or Treat

The first time I saw this year’s new Snickers Halloween commercial I thought it was for a horror movie. I’d love to stock up on Snickers for Halloween, but I’m too busy hiding under my bed, praying this 9-foot, monstrous old lady doesn’t hunt me down and find me in my sleep, only to drag me to her wooded lair where she’ll fatten me up on fresh cookies and then use my stretched skin for the homemade quilt of human flesh she’s been working on. Not sure this was a big hit for me. ‘Old Lady’ In Snickers Halloween Commercial Is The Creepiest (VIDEO)

#9. Peta Shmeta

Vice President Biden’s appearance last month on The Colbert Report, where he handed out hot dogs to servicemen and women, upset PETA. Biden draws the ire of PETA – The Oval: Tracking the Obama presidency. It’s hard to believe this is even real. I’m sure things are going so well for the world’s population of victimized big-eyed baby seals that PETA has nothing better to do. Not to mention the fact that vegans don’t exactly conjure up images of strength and courage. Just sayin’.

#8. Drill bits and Wedding Pics

A couple from Lake Forest, California married this month. In their local Home Depot. Home Depot Wedding: Couple Marry at Lake Forest Home Depot Store – Nice.

Fertilizer? Check.

Six pack of lightbulbs? Check.

Married? Check.

#7. Drink Up

Vodka for carnivores? Flavored with bacon or salmon, it jazzes up Bloody Marys and more.

Yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

#6. Oooh, Me So Stuupid

Luther Campbell, member of the explicit, controversial 80’s hip hop band 2 Live Crew, criticized Obama’s stance this month on the proposed Mosque near ground zero. In an article in the Miami New Times, Campbell said, “He (Obama) took the middle-of-the-road approach when he said we have to tolerate other religious views in a free country. I am not with that. Hell, no.”  Ground Zero mosque idea stinks – Page 1 – News – Miami – Miami New Times. Pretty interesting from a guy who spent much of the 90’s fighting for his first amendment rights. Colbert handled this best. Luther Campbell Opposes Ground Zero Mosque – The Colbert Report – 9/14/10 – Video Clip | Comedy Central.

#5. Pin the Tail on the Pedestrian

Finally someone has zeroed in on the ultra-wealthy’s thinly veiled attempt to turn the innocent children’s game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey into brutal human blood sport. Bentley’s Pedestrian-Stabbing Hood Ornament Recall Affects Just 596 Vehicles – MotorAuthority.

#4. Mmmm…Unmoldable

New York artist Sally Davies decided to document what would happen to a Happy Meal, left indefinitley on her kitchen table.  Disgustingly, the answer is…nothing.  McDonalds Happy Meal Project – a set on Flickr.   On the bright side, just think how resistant to mold our kids’ insides are.

#3. Wild Animals Ahead

A commercial for this website popped up on the tv this month. Cougar Life – Dating Website for Women Looking to Catch Younger Men. At first I thought this was a joke. Sadly, no. I am so naive.

#2. The Golden State

On Tuesday, September 21, officials arrested mayor of Bell, California, Oscar Hernandez, on rampant corruption charges. 8 current and former officials from Bell, California, arrested – CNN. That’s pretty good. But here’s the best part. According to a radio report (Bell Officials Arrested for Corruption: The California Report | The California Report), when the cops came Hernandez wouldn’t answer the locked door.  A battering ram was finally used to break into his office. I wonder if they found him sitting behind his desk with his fingers in his ears saying, “Lalalalal! I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!”

#1. HoHos and Cosmos

I was mixing up my morning drink (a dreadful concoction of 2 oz. FRS energy supplement, 2 oz. aloe vera gel and 4 oz. water (I don’t recommend it) when a terrible thought occurred to me. Our shot glasses have become responsible for measuring health supplements instead of whiskey. WTF, right? I know. It’s a little embarrassing. And sad.

I like being healthy. It makes me feel good. And yet, in a shadowy corner of my mind a bitter insurgent lingers, wretched and angry, biding her time until the day when I wake up and decide that none of it is worth it anymore, that the good food and the exercise can just suck it, and that from now on there will be nothing in my life but HoHos and Cosmos.


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