Harry Plodder and the Deathly Wallows, Part Suck

4 Dec

Fair Warning: I am about to discuss and/or eviscerate plot points of the latest (and needlessly never ending) Harry Potter movie, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. If you haven’t seen it yet, you might want to save this post until after you have. Or, better yet, consider yourself lucky and just skip to the end where I sum up the whole stinking turd in three sentences.

Having said that, I want to be clear. I am a huge Harry Potter fan.
That’s me, about 10 years ago, completely geeked out as Harry. I was so in love with the books that I dressed up as the little wizard for Halloween. I pulled together a costume, complete with home-made cape and a Nimbus 2000, way before every kid on the block was wearing a pair of round spectacles and sporting a lightning shaped scar on his forehead, too.

Which is exactly why this movie is such a colossal disappointment. I wait for years in between these movies, longing for the next installment of one of the best series of all time to come to life on the big screen. To watch Harry fly around the fantastical landscape (complete with dragons and Whomping Willows) on his broom and see how he and Ron and Hermione will ultimately defeat Voldemort (oops, I mean He Who Must Not Be Named). And so for months and months I anticipate, eagerly waiting for that glorious 2-3 hours when I’m back at Hogwarts, or at The Burrow, caught up in whatever magical misadventure those crazy kids are up to this year. (What can I say, a childhood of Scooby-Doo won’t allow me to think of it any other way).

But what did I get this time? Two and a half hours of whining and drudgery; of the three of them camping in at least 15 different locations, bitching at each other like they’re starring in an episode of The Bickersons. The best part of the whole thing is the animated depiction of the legend of the Deathly Hallows. It takes less than ten minutes. Seriously.

To make it all worse, throughout the endless camping, (where most of the time the three of them stand around with deep, intense faces, wallowing and saying things like, “What are we going to do?”) Ron, Harry and Hermione have to share the burden of a horcrux, which in this case is a necklace, I think. I could be wrong though, I started to black out a bit from boredom. Wearing the necklace (which once belonged to Salazar Slytherin) makes them feel mean and hateful, and so they lash out at each other. Hmmmm, if only I had some experience with a super-powerful magical object (worn as a necklace) that had this effect on those who possess it. Maybe Frodo and the ring should’ve just made a cameo; he and Sam could’ve drug Gollum through one of the umpteen campsites or something. At least that I could’ve respected.

The whole thing is just too long. When asked about splitting the last book into two movies, director David Yates said he “believes fans will appreciate the bifurcated approach because it means fewer bits of the book will be left on the cutting-room floor.” Deathly Hallows Director Makes Harry Potter Films for Grown-Ups | Underwire | Wired.com.

He was wrong.

Yates goes on to characterize Deathly Hallows, Part 1 as “intimate.” I think the word he was actually looking for is boring. In the end, it’s just a lack of action that kills it. The characters’ tedious self-reflection and lack of direction is mind numbing.

To borrow a phrase from my daughter, the entire movie is an epic fail. The whole thing could’ve been handled in about 20 minutes:

Dumbledore is dead. War is coming. Find the Horcruxes or all is lost.

Okay, I lied. Maybe 10 minutes. But when you factor in all of the bitching, moaning and angst caused by wearing Slytherin’s enchanted locket, it might take the full 20 minutes.

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One Response to “Harry Plodder and the Deathly Wallows, Part Suck”

  1. Mae December 5, 2010 at 4:35 pm #

    I agree with you. But we had this discussion when we read the book also. This book was tedius in the extreme and the main characters were unlikable. It’s enough to almost make one cheer for He Who Must Not Be Named. Or Snape for cryin’ out loud! LOL

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